I don't like most NYC bikers. I don't like them at all.

May is Bicycle Month here in New York City.

I am none too pleased.

Don’t get me wrong: I enjoy the bike.

I think that one of the Universal scenarios of childhood is the whole falling off the bike and then getting back on and learning to riderideride. Even my old-lady (and older-kneed) heart would be hard pressed to say that my bike was my first memorable feeling of freedom as a child and I remember fondly pedaling fasterandfaster to some destination, overthereandawayfromhere on those warm summer days.

I remember that we even had bike safety classes in school and learned the proper hand signals. We were taught to be responsible riders.

I have fond memories of the responsibility of owning and operating my little two-wheeled vehicle.

Bikers in New York City have ruined that memory for me.

My animosity towards them has been simmering over the past five years. The first few times I was hit or nearly run down by a biker (I refuse to call these irresponsible clouts, “cyclists”) while using the crosswalk I thought, “Hmmm. That’s weird.”

Last night when a biker ran through the red light at Union and Seventh Avenue, heading downhill towards 4th Avenue and nearly ran Bighead over as we were crossing in the crossing walk I regretted not having a stick to stick in that biker’s tires. This is not the first time that this feeling has welled up inside of me but it IS the first time that I shouted at the biker, “Are you a fucking pedestrian or a vehicle? There are no separate roll on through rules for bikers (asshole!)!” <- The asshole was silent. He was too far gone, by then, having successfully run the red light at 6th Avenue as well.

I have a few friends who own bikes and extol to me the virtues of this green and wonderful mode of transportation. I know people who’ve ridden in Critical Mass, (routinely NOT getting a permit and slowing down traffic on Broadway during rush hour and NOT following any of the rules of the road [or common decency]) and complained that they’re misunderstood and in fact, victimized.

To this I say to them: Most bikers in NYC are menaces.

(Actually, as I leaned over the cubicle wall to ask Bighead what the name of this “group” is I called them a gang. [She rolled her eyes because she's got decency and understands their point and is generally a better person than I am.] Because they fucking are. They fucking are a gang. If you are in it, you are in a fucking GANG. [Oh, I went there. So great is my distaste for the vast majority of NYC bikers.] You can bet your booties that if this gang weren’t made up primarily of unwashed trustaffarians or white-collar Lance Armstrong lovers with too much time and privilege on their hands and was made up of MORE Rastafarrians the powers that be would be calling it the gang that it is.)

They flagrantly disobey the laws that are written to protect them and me. (And the most important value in this equation is me.) I don’t know too many bikers who’ve been run down by pedestrians, but I know more quite a number of pedestrians who’ve been run down by bikers.

The New York State Department of Transportation has some very clear rules and regulations about the obligations of bikers.

Now I’m not getting my panties all in a bunch about the rampant non-signaling of turns.
Although it would be nice if there was a little bit more of that.

I am getting my panties in a bunch about the fact that bicycles are VEHICLES. And there are laws for vehicles that most bikers that I encounter in New York City do not follow. There are also laws for pedestrians, which, as a pedestrian who wants to be able to sue the pants off of you if you hit me, I made sure to follow as best I can. What burns my grits is that many of these bikers don’t even follow the laws of pedestrians.

One of my friends floated the idea of more bike lanes when we were discussing the whole Congestion Pricing debacle and I quickly poo-pooed that. Most NYC bikers create and exacerbate congestion. Most NYC bikers make it harder for me to get to where I need to; make it more dangerous for me to cross the fucking street with my girlfriend at 9 o’clock on a beautiful Sunday evening. What NYC does NOT need is more of an excuse for them to disobey laws and endanger our citizens.

If you don’t like it, you can pedal home and cry yourself to sleep.

(I feel like I should get at least get a point for not saying, “hippie.”)